Aside

Mum-Bling 2: You be The Beast Mummy

My daughter wants to role-play ALL the time.

On a daily basis I am directed to re-enact various dramatic scenes from Disney Movies. I am always evil and always have to ‘do the voice’.

“Be King Triton and smash up my things with your stick because I love Eric.”

“Be Mother Gothel and tell me I can’t leave the tower ever again.  But do it in a scary voice… That wasn’t scary enough.”

“Be Hans and sword me and then I’ll freeze and go blue and then you can be Elsa and hug me ’til I breathe again.”

These little vignettes often end up with her fake crying on the floor.  Quite convincingly too.  My mum has been fooled more than once.  “What’s the matter Gracie?” I have heard her coo.

“I am not Gracie, I’m Aurora and I can’t go outside because Maleficent will get me.” She manages between sobs.

With the role-playing comes the fancy dress.  She changes her outfit to match the song we’re singing, the film we’re watching, the princess she’s imagining.

And then there’s the underwear. Knickers are changed to match the costume.  Anna, Elsa, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, Belle, Rapunzel. You name them, there’s a pant with their doe-eyed mugs on them.

So when I saw these in TopShop yesterday I thought she’d love them and I went over to take a closer look.

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Aladdin, Toy Story, Tinkerbell, Little Mermaid, Disney Princesses.  All her favourites, so I looked to see if they had her size.

8, 10, 12 …14.

These aren’t AGES, they are adult sizes. I am in TOPSHOP. These are for women.  With money of their own.  And the ability to make decisions by themselves.

Then the REALLY bad thought happened.

I am TOO OLD for TopShop.  I don’t understand this product. It can’t have happened.  Not to me. Not Yet. I mean, I live in my Joni’s.  Step away from the tweeny-pants. Leave. Just GO.

After you have taken a photo, obvs.

When I got home I decided to do a straw poll of the TopShop aged people I know.  My 27 year old stylish cousin.  And my 26 year old stylish brother.  They both have experience in knickers and Disney.

She said: “WTF?  I want to feel like a woman. Those are for kids. TopShop is for 14-23 year olds. I want to like TopShop, but just don’t anymore.”

He said: “Fucking hell, I thought TopShop was for grown-ups.  Are they spoofs? Grossness for sure.”

Phew.  My wrong-dar is definitely still working.  But what is this about, TopShop?  I need to know who buys these.  Just an age, first name, job title, town and postcode will do.  So I can send round whoever you send round to burn terrible things.

This morning we watched Beauty and the Beast.

“You be The Beast Mummy.  Just eat messy and then we’ll get married.”  And by married she means hold hands and dance round in circles while she slow-blinks like her cartoon idols.

We went upstairs for her to put on a blue dress and her Belle knickers.

“You need some Beast knickers, Mummy.”

Well yes, I suppose I do.

But not from TopShop.  I had a little look online.

These will be with me by Wednesday.

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