First Baby v Second Baby: FOOD

This Vide-ode is only 6 seconds long so it shouldn’t keep you too long.

Turn the sound on if you can be bothered.

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Aside

Mum-Bling 2: You be The Beast Mummy

My daughter wants to role-play ALL the time.

On a daily basis I am directed to re-enact various dramatic scenes from Disney Movies. I am always evil and always have to ‘do the voice’.

“Be King Triton and smash up my things with your stick because I love Eric.”

“Be Mother Gothel and tell me I can’t leave the tower ever again.  But do it in a scary voice… That wasn’t scary enough.”

“Be Hans and sword me and then I’ll freeze and go blue and then you can be Elsa and hug me ’til I breathe again.”

These little vignettes often end up with her fake crying on the floor.  Quite convincingly too.  My mum has been fooled more than once.  “What’s the matter Gracie?” I have heard her coo.

“I am not Gracie, I’m Aurora and I can’t go outside because Maleficent will get me.” She manages between sobs.

With the role-playing comes the fancy dress.  She changes her outfit to match the song we’re singing, the film we’re watching, the princess she’s imagining.

And then there’s the underwear. Knickers are changed to match the costume.  Anna, Elsa, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, Belle, Rapunzel. You name them, there’s a pant with their doe-eyed mugs on them.

So when I saw these in TopShop yesterday I thought she’d love them and I went over to take a closer look.

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Aladdin, Toy Story, Tinkerbell, Little Mermaid, Disney Princesses.  All her favourites, so I looked to see if they had her size.

8, 10, 12 …14.

These aren’t AGES, they are adult sizes. I am in TOPSHOP. These are for women.  With money of their own.  And the ability to make decisions by themselves.

Then the REALLY bad thought happened.

I am TOO OLD for TopShop.  I don’t understand this product. It can’t have happened.  Not to me. Not Yet. I mean, I live in my Joni’s.  Step away from the tweeny-pants. Leave. Just GO.

After you have taken a photo, obvs.

When I got home I decided to do a straw poll of the TopShop aged people I know.  My 27 year old stylish cousin.  And my 26 year old stylish brother.  They both have experience in knickers and Disney.

She said: “WTF?  I want to feel like a woman. Those are for kids. TopShop is for 14-23 year olds. I want to like TopShop, but just don’t anymore.”

He said: “Fucking hell, I thought TopShop was for grown-ups.  Are they spoofs? Grossness for sure.”

Phew.  My wrong-dar is definitely still working.  But what is this about, TopShop?  I need to know who buys these.  Just an age, first name, job title, town and postcode will do.  So I can send round whoever you send round to burn terrible things.

This morning we watched Beauty and the Beast.

“You be The Beast Mummy.  Just eat messy and then we’ll get married.”  And by married she means hold hands and dance round in circles while she slow-blinks like her cartoon idols.

We went upstairs for her to put on a blue dress and her Belle knickers.

“You need some Beast knickers, Mummy.”

Well yes, I suppose I do.

But not from TopShop.  I had a little look online.

These will be with me by Wednesday.

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#Mumbag – Number 1

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I have been reading Marie Kondo’s book Spark Joy which is about the art of tidying up. The crux is that you only ever have to tidy up using her method ONCE in your whole life. And from then on it’s just ‘putting away’ because everything has it’s place.

It is inspiring stuff for an indecisive sentimentalist like me and I like her (obsessive) thinking especially as we have always had a chair of doom in the bedroom and several corners of crap that multiply by the day. Poor, homeless items.

One of Kondo’s thoughts is that at the end of every day you should empty your handbag completely and thank it for all it’s hard work. Then put all the contents away in their correct places AND the bag itself for an overnight rest. She says this should take no more than 3 minutes.  You then put all the bits back in the bag in the morning.  I am pretty sure I would be locked out on the first day, phone-less and cash-less with an empty bag. But how rested that bag would be.

But it has made me think of the huge vessel I lug about daily and when it last had a rest. (No, I am not talking about my husband, though he wouldn’t turn down 40 winks.) 

Not since I bought it 9 months ago is the answer. 

It is a pineapple coated hold-all of gubbins; a lunchbox, medicine cabinet, shopping bag, nappy bag, fancy dress box, bin and bank and with all those jobs it should probably be asking for a raise or a part in Mary Poppins as her carpet bag’s body double.

So … To give it the respect it deserves and to see what is causing me to walk even more weirdly than usual, I have emptied it and photographed the evidence.

My 5 most surprising findings out of the 47 items in the bag (and my mother is my witness) are:

  1. A cone of magic reindeer food from early December 2015
  2. A piece of waffle – from lunch 2 days ago
  3. An antique book on childhood illnesses given to me by my stepmother with a post-it attached that says, “Never allow a blister of Spanish flies to be put on your child!”
  4. An Anna from Frozen Cloak
  5. A battery operated tea-light

 

As with all experiments, key learnings must be made:

  1. I am a disgusting creature
  2. My bag is tired
  3. I am tired of my bag
  4. I am tired
  5. I need a new home for all the things in my bag
  6. I need a new home

I think this maybe where Marie Kondo wants us to get to.

I am genuinely fascinated by this.  I want to see inside your Mum Bag. Can I?

You’re talking out of your front bottom

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This is not a new topic I know.  The age old “what shall we call the lady bits when we discuss them with our daughters?” question.

We know it’s important to get it right to protect them in situations I don’t even want to think about (see the NSPCC’s Underwear rule ) but why is it so hard to get it right at home?  So it’s not cringey and awkward, so we don’t scar them for life, so they don’t mock our parenting skills in 2027, so we CAN talk about stuff if we need to.

Willy is just so perfect for boys. Not sexual. Not dated. Not offensive. Just fine.

But for girls there is nothing of the same ilk.  All the options are just so, well, Benny Hill.

Fanny. No. Just no. Too 70s.

Foof. What?

Nunny. Too TOWIE.

Mimi. My friend has a cat called Mimi.  I actually have a friend called Mimi.

Minnie. MOUSE.

Cookie. Yuk. Really? *Giggles every time the biscuit tin goes round*

Daisy.  We pick daisies.

Flower. Flowers ARE FLOWERS.

Ha’penny.  Is it 1882?

Vagina. Weirdly too technical. And too open to error. Badge-ina and Old China have both been reported by friends.  Plus, as my mother kindly pointed out, the vagina is the hole not the labia.

C*nt. Hmmm. That would go down well with Nana/ Nursery/ The Doctor/ Everyone Ever.

No. No. NO.

The Swedes are clever (at everything. I heart Saga Noren and her cashmere-leather-face-pulling-funny-walks-out-of-shot-on-the-spectrum-porsche-combo more than you will ever understand) and came up with a new word for it.

Snippa made the Swedish dictionary back in 2006 after being promoted in Malmo schools and nurseries by a social worker back in 2000. The male equivalent is Snopp.

Snippa and Snopp. It just works. A nice wholesome little pairing.

Knowing that my 3 year old doesn’t have the same Scandi-lust as I do, I thought I would just have the conversation with her and see what would stick.

We currently use front-bottom which my Mum always used with me but I find it clunky (not my front bottom, you understand, though admittedly it has changed since birth) and a bit confusing.

I gave her a few polite options from the list above.

She vetoed the lot.

“No Mummy,”

Long.  Pause.

“I want to call it Mrs Yellow.”

So there we have it.

And that’s why I’m on here.

I’d had an idea for this blog, but needed a name.

Mrs Yellow was born.

I am plucking up the courage to enquire about the whereabouts of Mr Brown.

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